How To Make Your Dream Burger
With Andrew Levins of The Dip — who made a cookbook called 'Diner: Real Food'.
Andrew Levins has variously been a radio host, DJ and video-game reviewer, but right now he is a chef. His restaurant, The Dip, is our official post-deadline hangout, and his first cookbook, Diner: Real Food, is being published by New Holland in September. For our 100th issue he wrote us a recipe.
Ingredients
1 cow
1 head of iceberg lettuce
3 tomatoes
2 slices of beetroot
1 onion
1 dill pickle, sliced
1 dill pickle, unsliced
24 slices of cheddar cheese
Ketchup
Mustard
1 burger bun
1 shotgun
Method
1. Befriend the cow. Name him after a Sex and the City character. Take him shopping and introduce him to your friends. Sign him up to Instagram. Let him crash on your couch for four to six weeks.
2. Dice the tomatoes, beetroot and onion. Feed them to the cow.
3. Make a separate Facebook Fan Page for the sliced pickle and the unsliced pickle and leave for 2 hours. Feed whichever pickle has more ‘likes’ to the cow.|
4. Teach the cow the concept of shame. Offer to clothe him by stitching the slices of cheddar cheese together into a pair of pants.
5. Take the labels off the ketchup and mustard bottles and write “Aesop” on both of them. Watch as the cow massages each condiment into his skin, Instagramming before and after photos.
6. Cut the burger bun in half and lightly toast each side.
7. While the bun is toasting, load the shotgun and fire it into the cow’s skull.
8. Place the cow between the slices of bun and enjoy.
9. Read Jonathan Safran Foer’s Eating Animals while grinning maniacally on public transport.
10. Regret nothing.
Diner is on sale NOW at The Dip for $35! What's more, if you thought there weren’t enough pictures of Levins in Diner, now is your chance to rectify this tragedy! If you buy Diner from The Dip, you get a free sheet of stickers of Levins to photobomb your favourite recipes. Levins will personally sign a copy for you if you ask nicely.
