Moore's Code: Alien Abduction
Like John Candy. You're laughing because his last name is Candy, and then you're crying because he is dead.
Last night I was walking home. I always choose a route that takes me through the most unpopulated areas of Sydney, in an attempt to avoid bumping in to someone that has taken part in Australian Idol. After walking over a deserted field covered in fog, I took a turn down an incredibly dark alley. Suddenly I heard a noise in the sky and looked up. A beam of light shone down from the heavens. Once the extreme pain of 15,000 watts of light being shined directly in to my eyes had become slightly tolerable, I realised that it was an alien craft. Frightened, I tried to run, but realized I was stuck in some sort of crazy force field. Then I dropped into the world of Unconsciousness.
When I woke up I was lying on an operating table. Everything around me was white. White walls, white Michael Jackson poster, white operating table, white ceiling. I was clearly not anywhere 'human'. Before I knew it, I was surrounded by eight tall creatures with no noses. Each of these aliens had a different tool, ranging from a standard hammer, to a screwdriver that had a small plastic pig's head instead of a normal handle, and whenever you screwed anything it oinked. By this stage, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't more than a little turned on.
After a few minutes of probing, I decided that I would try and win them over with some comedy. Comedy is a great icebreaker. If only Jesus had broken the ice with those soldiers that strung him up on the cross! I'm sure a rendition of Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a Prayer' would have provided some laughs. And then while they were laughing he could have scarpered away, saving himself the trouble of resurrecting himself.
It was time to break the ice with these aliens. I racked my brain for a show that everybody loves and identifies with. Suddenly it came to me. A program that is truly universal, and that everyone in the entire galaxy would find FUCKING hilarious.
After spending four hours carefully explaining the relationship between the Barone family in the hit show Everybody Loves Raymond, I carefully prepared my best vocal impressions of Frank and Ray Barone and let loose.
Frank Barone: You know, Robert gets the jealousy thing from me.
Ray Barone: Oh, yeah?
Frank Barone: Yeah. One time I drove my fist through a Cadillac, on account of your mother.
Ray Barone: Really?
Frank Barone: Yeah. She started talking about marriage, and I told her to go to hell. I remember hearing through the grapevine that your mother was going to have dinner at Chuck Pacarello's. Now, your mother's cooking - that's something special, and I figured she was only gonna cook like that for me. So I went to Chuck Pacarello's and punched the headlights out of his car. I spent the night in the hospital, picking glass out of my arm.
Ray Barone: Wow, dad. I never thought there was a story like that behind you and mom. It's almost romantic.
Frank Barone: Yeah, I know. I don't tell that story a lot, though.
Ray Barone: How come?
Frank Barone: Because it doesn't have a happy ending.
The aliens didn't even smile. It was time for the big guns.
I began to tell them about my favourite show EVER. At that point they began to put needles in my eyes. But I didn't care, because I was talking about the greatest show of all time, Packed to the Rafters. I had memorised a summary of the program. It was time the aliens got a true taste of top notch comedy.
Packed to the Rafters centres around Dave and Julie Rafter and their three children Rachel, Ben and Nathan. On the eve of their 25th wedding anniversary, the couple thinks that they are finally about to have the house to themselves. But home is a very welcome refuge for their children, and when unforeseen problems loom, they return like a boomerang.
In between laughing (and some crying, because they had just removed my spleen), I recounted the episode where the old woman gets pregnant and then the old guy freaks out and then the kid moves out but then he moves back in and then the daughter moves out and then the family has some trouble and then they all move home and then the old guy can't get an erection and then they introduce the token ethnic person and then the son marries some woman and everyone laughs and then they eat some food in a garage and have a fight and then they all end up hugging. By this time I was crying with laughter. That's the thing about Packed to the Rafters. It's funny, but it's sad. You can be laughing, and then you're crying. Like John Candy. You're laughing because his last name is Candy, and then you're crying because he is dead. Pleasure and pain, my friends. Pleasure and pain.
JOHN CANDY: IMMORTALISED!
Unfortunately they weren't impressed by this either. That's when they hit me with a tennis racket.
Shortly after, I woke up in a paddock and went home. Then I wrote this.
Words: Alexander Moore