Top 5: Career Moves for the Harry Potter Cast
What should Harry, Ron and Hermione do now?
1) Wealthy benefactors. In a statement that elicited more exasperated eye-rolling than pity, Emma Watson said that she "felt sick" upon learning that the extent of her bank account could have covered twenty Kate Moss weddings. We suggest she kills two proverbial phoenixes with one stone, eliminating her financial illness right at the source by doling out all her cash to worthy causes. Namely our beer fund. You could buy 400,000 schooners with that kind of money!
2) Adult entertainers. A few years back, Daniel Radcliffe boosted both his bank account and his theatrical credibility by getting his kit off onstage. Let's face it, if the least genetically blessed of the magical trio can earn cash strutting around a West End stage naked, why not cut out the middle man and go for pure, unadulterated, pay-for-play nudity? Plus, it would be good news for all those ginger fetishists among us.
3) Motivational speakers. So it turns out Voldemort isn't the only dark force Harry has defeated lately. Daniel Radcliffe recently admitted to battling other evils in the form of the demon drink. He blames his former fondness for whisky on an inevitably futile attempt to live a "famous person's lifestyle" which, if Lindsay Lohan has taught us anything, isn't everything it's cracked up to be. We suggest Dan harnesses the magic that saw him topple the Dark Lord and his occasional drunkenness by unleashing his new-found wisdom on an unsuspecting public.
4) Tabloid fodder. In an era where all we ask of our celebrities is the odd ill thought-out plastic surgery procedure and the occasional outing sans makeup proving that they are, in fact, "just like us", the professionalism of the Harry Potter cast is highly disappointing and hinders the general public's need to feel morally superior. Sure, Rupert Grint's purchase of a fully functional Mr. Whippy van is a good start, but we want messy drug scandals, affairs with questionably attired socialites and wardrobe malfunctions. Preferably all at the same time.
5) Professional unemployment. During an age where most of us were eating our weight in Roll-Ups, learning the intricacies of basic multiplication and proposing to our schoolyard crushes with engagement rings made out of Cheezels, the Harry Potter leads were making their hard-earned millions by battling Ralph Fiennes and generally overacting. Now that the rest of us have started earning legitimate livings, it's probably Harry, Ron and Hermione's turn to sit around their lavishly decorated apartments for a few years being generally useless.
Words: Lillian McKnight